Archive for the ‘I am awesome’ Category

Security Guard


The news media isn’t reporting this yet, but the school in Newtown had a security guard. He saw the shooter enter the school and knew that he was carrying guns. Since the guard knew about the other shooting earlier in the day, he had a pretty good idea what was about to happen. He didn’t stop the gunman at the door, though it would have been easy for him to do so. The guard just let him walk right by and head toward the classroom. After hearing the first shots, the guard could have responded and halted this tragedy, but he didn’t. He sat and watched the feed from the security cameras. Though he was heavily armed and wearing a bulletproof vest, he didn’t lift a finger to save the lives of all those children. What should be done with someone who had an opportunity to stop this massacre, but refused to act? Should he be fired? Should he be jailed? Should he have to explain why? If you’re angry at the (fictional) guard I’ve described, then why would you praise a god who acted in the exact same way?

Nominate Me For Shorty Awards

If I’ve ever made you laugh, please consider doing a small favor for me to show your gratitude: Nominate me for the Shorty Award in the following three categories (in this order):


In order for your nomination to count, you must type something after the “because” and then submit your nomination, which will post a tweet to your Twitter account. Your assistance in this matter could result in…

  • Winning the lottery
  • Extra 5 years added to your lifespan
  • Healing a loved one’s illness
  • A new season of Arrested Development
  • Becoming irresistible to the opposite sex (or whatever you’re into)

All this and more could be yours. Just click the links above and submit your nominations. The rules say that nominations are open until February 17, 2012. Nominating me in the same category multiple times doesn’t help, so you’ll curry my favor more quickly by convincing your friends to nominate me, too. You can track my progress (and read my Shorty interview) here.

Hitchens Quote

Religion comes from the period of human prehistory where nobody—not even the mighty Democritus who concluded that all matter was made from atoms—had the smallest idea what was going on. It comes from the bawling and fearful infancy of our species, and is a babyish attempt to meet our inescapable demand for knowledge (as well as for comfort, reassurance, and other infantile needs). Today the least educated of my children knows much more about the natural order than any of the founders of religion.

―God Is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens (1949-2011)

One week from today

I am returning to earth one week from today. Get your affairs in order. Spread the word.

Sit down Jesus, I have a confession to make.

Sit down Jesus, I have a confession to make. You know how I always told you you were my only begotten son? That wasn’t exactly true.

Several women in the Bible (Rebekah, Sarah, Rachael, Hannah, Elizabeth) were barren, prayed to me and then received a child. Well, they were never actually barren. Their husbands were sterile (and in a couple of cases, impotent). So I paid each of the women a little visit, and that’s why their offspring were so special.

But you’re still special to me, buddy. You’re the number one son in my heart, if not chronologically. Want to go outside and have a catch?

The message of the crucifix

The most important message of a crucifix was how unspeakably cruel supposedly sane human beings can be when under orders from a superior authority. —Eugene Debs Hartke


This website blocked me from posting comments:

Here’s the comment I tried to post:

Won’t it be a bit traumatic to learn that I killed almost everyone on earth? Won’t it be confusing to learn that I was ok with slavery and with forcing women to marry their rapist? What lessons will they learn from 1 Samuel 15? That if your religious beliefs tell you to kill people, obey them? How old should a child be before they read Song of Solomon, with its sexual imagery? What will it do to a young girl’s self-esteem to read that women should learn in silence and submit to their husbands? I think people keep their children away from the “real” bible for a reason. Be careful.

I’m not sure why that bothered them so much. Do Christians prefer to not think about what is actually printed in their holy book?

Get an @almightygod t-shirt

Each shirt comes with free eternal life.
Check them out.

My New Blog

As it has been foretold, I have brought forth a blog and now present it to you, my beloved humans, as an enduring communication from Heaven to Earth. No longer must you ponder my silence and fear that I’m only in your imagination. You can read my actual words right here. There’s no need for religious disputes in areas that I didn’t make entirely clear in the Bible. I can answer all of your questions so you can live at peace with your fellow Christian.

Some of my brilliant ideas can’t be contained in Twitter’s 140 character limit. This webpage will set me free from that restriction (not that I couldn’t miraculously make tweets longer than 140 characters). I’ll still use Twitter as my main mode of communication, but I’ll link to this blog when I have something more to say.

Welcome one and all. Please add this site to your bookmarks, subscribe to the RSS feed, make it your home page, tell your friends, print it off and hang it on your fridge. This webspace is holy. You are welcome to leave comments telling me how awesome I am. It’s one of my favorite topics.

A poll