How to abort your wife’s lovechild

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Numbers 5:11-20 NIV

Are you getting that feeling of jealousy? Suspecting your wife is cheating on you, but you can’t prove it? Go to your local priest and have him mix up a batch of Yahweh’s Magical Abortion Curse Cocktail. Recite the proper spells and have your lady drink this holy dust-infused beverage. If she’s been knocked up by some jerk, God will kill that fetus like it was an Amalekite toddler! Once you know she’s guilty and her spawn is dead, then you can proceed to actually punishing her for her vile sins. If she’s still pure, then this won’t hurt her. No hard feelings. If she’s pregnant, but the child belongs to her husband, well, you’ll just have to trust that the magical curse will not harm either of them.

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